OurScene TV – life/style tv for the LGBTQ community

Not to be a total ingrate, but…

1. That “campy” pink flamingo/Carmen Miranda/teddy-bear-dressed-like-Santa tree ornament:
Because you gave it to me in front of seven other people, I thanked you and put it on the front of the tree and pretended it was completely appropriate and not another sign of the corporate marketing gaypocalypse. After you left I moved it to the back of the tree. After Christmas it’s going to be recycled. Meaning the trash. I’d say I was going to take it to Goodwill but that would mean someone else would wind up using it and I like Christmas trees too much for that thought to live in the back of my brain.

2. That gift card to Wal-Mart:
When I was a teenager Wal-Mart came to my small town and drove all the stores on Main Street (yes, it was really called Main Street) out of business. To this day I hate them for that. I also hate them for being gross and not as cool as Target. But I’ll use this card to buy some poopy fertilizer from their gardening section. Then I’m going to dump it outside their entrance.

3. That Barbra Streisand Barbie doll:
Children don’t know who Barbra Streisand is unless they have a very awesome parent who’s shown them What’s Up Doc? but no other Streisand movies because that’s the only good one anyway. Now the majority of little girls will take any doll you give them, even if all they’re going to do with it is shave its head and light it on fire. But the only little girl I know that I could dump this on is the child of a gay former hardcore punk who now listens to Grizzly Bear. So he wouldn’t want it either.

4. That Lady Gaga CD:
Ha. CDs are the 8-Track tape of 2011. My mom already downloaded six bootleg remixes of “Bad Romance” online.

5. That box of make-your-own-beignets mix in a be-ribboned basket that also contains a box of confectioner’s sugar, just in case I’d never eaten a beignet before and had no idea they put confectioner’s sugar on them, or where to get my own box of confectioner’s sugar:
It’s not a present if I have to work even more to get to the present part of it. I’ll keep it if you come over and make the beignets and figure out a way to make them float into my mouth while I lie on the couch and watch The Santa Strangler on the true-crime cable channel.

6. That coffee table book of boring rich people houses featured in Architectural Digest:
I want lots of money. Who doesn’t? But what I don’t want is to look at how Kelsey Grammer wasted his on matching $15,000 sofas covered in beige linen.

7. That tasteful black and white all-male-nude art photography calendar:
Are these pictures of Oliver Reed wrestling Alan Bates in Women in Love? Bob Hoskins showering in The Long Good Friday? New England Patriots football star Matt Light just standing around being Matt Light? No? Then it better be printed on tissue I can use for when I’m done fantasizing about those guys.

8. That box of “European” chocolate-coated cookies from Costco, the store that inspired that Jessica Simpson/Dane Cook movie:
Last time I visited Europia, the cookies were made with that socialist butter their governments regulate so strictly. You think you don’t want to be like them, but you totally do. Just go there and eat their cookies even once. I crumbled them up and sprinkled them out in front of my apartment building for the birds to eat. Sorry, birds.

9. That stinky “Powder Room Soaps of Provence” gift box:
I washed my hands with the “sage” one and then all day long people thought I was their grandma. Now I’m mall-walking.

10. That Fuckin’ Snuggie:
Sorry I threw that vase at you. I learned how to do that from watching Kari Anne on Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew so I can’t really be held responsible for my actions.

• [ 3 comments ]
• Email to a friend
• podcast