If there’s one thing gay boys like more than other dudes, it’s themselves. And how do we keep ourselves in tip-top shape? Why, the gym of course! While exercise is a great way to improve your health, it’s also ideal for furthering one’s narcissism and self-absorption. It gets to the point where these muscle-diva-mirror-hogs sometimes forget there are other people who also inhabit the space known as the gym. There are a few do’s and don’ts that are common knowledge for most people, but I guess some people could use a refresher.
Whether you’re a weekend warrior or meat-head, there are a few rules of gym etiquette to follow so you don’t end up being “that guy.” Please allow me to refresh your memory….
Putting your weights back should be a given. Most people learned as kids to put their toys away when they were finished. If they haven’t learned that by now, lets pray they don’t own any sex toys and enjoy having company over.
Wiping off the equipment after use should be common practice as well, especially if you’re a particularly sweaty person. It’s supposed to be a yoga mat, not a Slip’n’Slide.
Deodorant is your friend. Some people decide to make their presence known at the gym by releasing horribly offensive smells. I’ll admit I’ve let the occasional fart slip out while on the treadmills or doing crunches, but I always come wearing deodorant. Farts will do their thing and then peace out, but if someone has bad BO, that stuff doesn’t know when to leave. It engulfs you in its horrid cloud of unholy stank, slowly turning the gym into the Bog of Eternal Stench from Labyrinth.
While at the gym, certain things should be covered up. This includes smells as well as unsightly body parts. At my gym in college there was a guy who my roommate and I cleverly nicknamed “Nips McGee.” Nips was extremely hairy especially on his chest. His gym wear consisted of a green tank top, held up only by dental floss-sized straps. It’s almost as if the shirt was purposefully designed to make his hairy nipples have maximum exposure at all times. There was a positive side to Nips – he didn’t smell bad!
Have I mentioned covering up? I’d like to call attention to a certain breed of individuals who frequent the gym. You’ve seen them, loitering in the locker room, towel-less, nude. They’re typically older men. Maybe they have an abnormal amount of back hair; sometimes they’re freakishly hairless. The point is, you’ve seen far more of their bodies than any human should be subjected to. They’re the nude-lurkers, or shall we say “nurkers.” They are a group of people who you could swear you’ve never seen actually working out. They seem to come to the gym for the sole purpose of walking around naked in the locker room. The things most people do in the privacy of their own homes, they come to a public place to do…in the nude. I understand that most people like to shave their face before or after showering, but I see no reason why the towel can’t stay on during this task. Is it really necessary to stand naked in front of the mirror as you blow-dry your hair? And does it then have to be followed by placing your leg up on the counter to dry off your taint?
Now look, I’m all for letting loose and walking around the apartment naked when the roommates are out of town; hell sometimes I’ll even poop with the door open. But I wouldn’t force this behavior on anyone in a public locker room. Try as hard as you like, but you’ll never avoid catching a glimpse out of the corner of your eye of the guy powdering his balls in the squat position.
Perhaps we should start putting weights inside the locker room. Who knows, maybe the ‘nurkers’ might just use them. Then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t mind them walking around naked so much.
So to review, my fine gym rats, etiquette and good manners matter. As your mother always said – “you’ll never meet a good man if you have a hairy chest, a droopy ass and stink like yesterday’s trash.” Oh wait. Maybe that was just my mother.
